This morning I had a dream. A bad one, in which you gave me to understand you despise me for everything I'm doing.
Maybe it's one of the worst of my fears... to be despised by someone who's important to me, but if tell the truth at heart I'm so sure I'm worthy of the deepest contempt it can be...
And the fear is -- that everyone discerns it under the words I'm saying and under the illusion I'm trying to create, that I'm oh so good...

Well. And now I must call my boss and say I'm ill. That's a lie, actually, I just didn't want to go at work (and I have not a present for her, she had a birthday yesterday; you may laugh but that's a real problem for me, that's also why I decided to make myself a day off). Not a very honourable action also... But I'm just nervous and frightened to do it.

UPD. Oh... Called her. And now welcome, the guilty conscience and the fears she'd understood I told a lie! Why can not I even act badly without this miserable uncertainty? LOL

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