Of pairings and masochism

Well, I stare at the picture and think about this pairing, Alfred/Vanya.
It could have been a perfect fic, and maybe I could write it rather well, as far as for some time I was also fascinated by all of this - glamour, american dream, popularity and so on.
So, indulging in lust, falling in abyss, feeling himself dirty - and Yao being an image of true PURE and impossible love (not very historically correct, but whatever, we'll make it like the difference between East and West in Vanya's mind).  HAHAHA!
Oh God, I'm such a pervert masochist...
Why am I usually aroused by things making me feel pain?
Or that's just a protective reaction?
The long and short of it, I just feel that it IS wrong. And try not to allow such thoughts, but that's not so easy.
Sometimes I rather feel myself like a Dostoevsky's hero XDDDDDD After all, he's a great psychologist. Shoud re-read "Idiot", surely...

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